Is that alright to you? Well, I don't really care...

I know I have to write something. Because I feel the burden shit is fuckingly not moving at all on my heart. There is one big question is every relationship I've ever had. And that question still hasn't found its answer.
"Is this person my Mr. Right?"
They say love comes naturally. It does. But after that, you will have to force yourself doing tons of things you don't want to. At first, when the chemistry still strongly affects your mind, you don't feel 'forcing' at all. BUT! But when you suddenly realize, your partner hasn't changed anything for you at all from the beginning. Everything you have been doing now turns into ashes.

I'm regretting at the moment. I regret for being too nice. I regret that I have never asked my partner to do any special action to show off his love. I regret that I have never seriously told him how much annoying he is when he forces me doing stuffs I don't want.
Because, finally he said, he is sick of me.
That's very sad.

I've started mumbling in my mind for 2 days. Mostly, I repeat his words. Rest of time, I think of having a great time for myself. Traveling, studying or whatever. Anything that I can enjoy without thinking of him or how badly he hurting me.

This cannot go further. Almost every week we argue. Almost every conversation I feel forced. And for 2 years, almost means 23 months of 2 years.

That's the bad thing about me. When relationship is at down turn. I tend to give up and mess it with all intentions. I want to destroy it rather than to heal it and pray for myself with a hope of change.
The fact is, you can't change a guy. If you can't deal with him from the beginning, it is simply said, you can't never deal with him.

I've stopped asking myself if I love him, but questioning myself,
"Do I know how to love myself properly?"
I can't let a guy hurt me anymore.
Some says,
"You know it's love when the person hurts you is the only one who can heal your pain."
That's very typically 'romantic' but it's not what I believe in.
No one can ease your pain better than yourself. So, instead of loving someone, learn to love yourself first.

I believe I have to lose something in gaining something else.
But I forget, there is a chance to lose all as well. It's just too late to remember.

No excuse this time.