night is so long when we can't fall asleep
last night was one of those
talking to you wasn't a perfect choice to chill a night, especially when you whispering to me how you wanted to see me again in person. everyday i has to fight with myself. i dont dare to say how much i want to be together. but i was broken down last night. being apart is so painful.
but being together, in another hand, is scaring me.
i made a bad choice when watching that movie. and i had such a nightmare after.
what if one day you cheated on me?
i know i wouldnt be able to forgive you. but being apart again, i wouldnt be able to do that either. living a life with your loved one and seeing yourself broken down day by day piece in piece, even worse.
i guess marriage isn't for me. or at least, im not ready for it right now.
every time you bring up that topic, i feel so threatened.
what if i cant be your good wife?
would you come after another one? would you bring her home when i was working? would you hide your scandal or you wouldnt care anymore? would you ask me for forgiveness?
what if i get disappointed of you?
would i think of another guy and secretly having my affair? would i tell you? would i just run away?
what if i want to have a baby badly but you simply dont?
would i do anyway just to have a baby?
but how to raise a kid properly?
i had a crazy dream, a nightmare to our relationship
...
2011/04/24
2011/04/20
Alley back to home
I have to admit some facts:
- I'm not the right one for this position in the government.
- I'm not a kind of perfect girlfriend/wife/mother.
- I'm not good at using scissors/knives in anyway.
I'm glad that you know all my weaknesses. And still you are with me even you laugh at me a lot.
I don't want to run away anymore.
- I'm not the right one for this position in the government.
- I'm not a kind of perfect girlfriend/wife/mother.
- I'm not good at using scissors/knives in anyway.
I'm glad that you know all my weaknesses. And still you are with me even you laugh at me a lot.
I don't want to run away anymore.
2011/04/07
Let me be your hero
Aging makes people change, either in good or bad way.
My point of view about love, relationship and marriage has been so different from mine some years ago. I don't really remember much but I can recall, in some point of time, I thought love would be something ridiculous and it must be fulfilled of lies to remain. In another way to say, I would think there was not such a thing called love since people kept cheating and lying to their partners. I used to think, maybe I would need sex, but I wouldn't want marriage. Then, another time, I started to believe, love is just a game of two. But either there was love or not, marriage would exclude all those feelings and left you in responsibilities of being wife/husband/daughter-in-law/parents/etc. Meaning there was no time for romance and it would end the love anyway. After all the thoughts, I stopped thinking of marriage for awhile. It scared me. I got lost in reasons why people had to get married. When my ex asked me to marry him, the first respond from me was, SH*T. I didn't want it and I wasn't ready for it. I didn't want a role of a wife. Cooking, cleaning house, taking care of children, ironing. whatever. I didn't want to do it for anyone.
Then it all changed.
In such a crazy progress.
Full of tears.
Being broken down.
Disappointed.
Happened in a row.
To make me realize, how wonderful to have someone to fight, argue, miss and love.
My point of view about love, relationship and marriage has been so different from mine some years ago. I don't really remember much but I can recall, in some point of time, I thought love would be something ridiculous and it must be fulfilled of lies to remain. In another way to say, I would think there was not such a thing called love since people kept cheating and lying to their partners. I used to think, maybe I would need sex, but I wouldn't want marriage. Then, another time, I started to believe, love is just a game of two. But either there was love or not, marriage would exclude all those feelings and left you in responsibilities of being wife/husband/daughter-in-law/parents/etc. Meaning there was no time for romance and it would end the love anyway. After all the thoughts, I stopped thinking of marriage for awhile. It scared me. I got lost in reasons why people had to get married. When my ex asked me to marry him, the first respond from me was, SH*T. I didn't want it and I wasn't ready for it. I didn't want a role of a wife. Cooking, cleaning house, taking care of children, ironing. whatever. I didn't want to do it for anyone.
Then it all changed.
In such a crazy progress.
Full of tears.
Being broken down.
Disappointed.
Happened in a row.
To make me realize, how wonderful to have someone to fight, argue, miss and love.
2011/04/05
April's Fool
Recently we have talked of the future. Not sure when we can actually live together but so far, it sounds real for me. Having an actual life is quite scary for me.
I'm used to being a powerful empress with high position at work and having maids at home. 27 years of my life has been like that. I'm a bitch with uncertain self-esteem, who doesn't care of straight words and direct talks. I'm used to pointing my figure to solve my problems instead of solving then myself. For 27 years of my life, I've been hearing people listing down my bad but none of them really wants to deal with it by the rest of their lives.
Being with you is quite different. Sometimes you care a lot. Sometimes you don't even give a damn. Sometimes you cuddle me, sometimes you are as cold as ice. Sometimes I think of giving up being with you. But until now, we are still together.
Being with you makes me have to grow up, have to face things I don't want and have to solve problems by myself. I always seek for a perfect guy, who loves me, cares of me and listens to me well. And you are not even close to my perfect picture at all. You listens to me but when I turn to see your face, you are half sleep already. You've made me mad most of time by saying those neglected words. You've made me cry and have lots of sleepless nights. You laugh at me when my mouth slips out stupid words. You make fun of how I play game. You scold me when I'm crazy. You ignore me when I start being unreasonable. You care of me but you rarely call me just to say you miss me. You do love me but rarely you show it out. You are far from my imaginary.
But you are real.
Slowly you open the real world to me. Relationship is suck. It's not totally sweet. But that bitter sweet is just so amazing to taste.
It would be said if one day I have to forget all about this.
...
Lesson 1: Our money
I was afraid of telling you about my recent shopping trip. It was a relief when you didn't scold me. But then you began talking of the money. That freaked me out.
D: So the money you use to shopping is you money?
B: Er... Yes?
D: It's your money, not our money?
B: Yeah... I have part of my salary is our saving and I keep some to use for my own.
D: So only part of your salary is our money and rest is your money?
B: Yeah... So are you. You don't need to give me all of your salary, you can keep part of it for yourself as well.
D: But even my daily money is our money. I thought all the money we've made was our money, doesn't matter how much it was.
B:...
D: I don't say you can't go shopping or you can't keep money for daily use. I just want you to remember when we start living together, everything is ours. It makes me uncomfortable to hear my money, your money and our money.
B: I'm sorry, I don't mean that...
D: If you keep thinking it's your own money, you will use it carelessly.
B: But I have savings for emergency.
D: When it's emergency, will you use your daily money to solve the problem as well?
B: Yes...
...
Lesson 2: Drunk and awaiting
I don't like drunken. And I don't hope to see you get drunk.
B: You should stop smoking and drinking when we live together.
D: I will stop smoking when we plan to have a baby. But I'm allowed to drink.
B: I don't like you drinking.
D: You will have to live with it. Did we talk of it before? I don't like giving up my hobbies for anyone. I don't ask you to give up your own hobbies either.
B: But drinking isn't good for your health. I don't mean you can't drink at all. Just don't get drunk. I won't take care of you when you are drunk.
D: You will have to. You have to take care of me same as how your mom takes care of your dad when he's drunk.
B: I won't.
D: It's a wife's job.
...
Lesson 3: xxx
B: I don't like talking about it.
D: But you are adult now and it will happen in any relationship. It's good to discuss about it together.
B: But I don't feel comfortable.
D: You have to get used to it. Or else how we're gonna live together?
B: I know we will do it but why we have to talk about it like this.
D: If not talking then how we get to know what others like. Do you know sex is important for husband and wife relationship? Many get cheated just because they don't know what their partners like.
B:...
...
Lesson 4: Fb and msn
D: Don't use fb too often or at least don't reveal your private information too much.
B: Why?
D: fb sells your information to third parties. And police also uses it to trace after crimes. They also can change your information to trap you into troubles.
B: ...
D: Not like you don't know about it.
B: Ok... I won't mention of us on msn and fb.
D: Better stop sharing our stories in anyway.
B: ...
I'm used to being a powerful empress with high position at work and having maids at home. 27 years of my life has been like that. I'm a bitch with uncertain self-esteem, who doesn't care of straight words and direct talks. I'm used to pointing my figure to solve my problems instead of solving then myself. For 27 years of my life, I've been hearing people listing down my bad but none of them really wants to deal with it by the rest of their lives.
Being with you is quite different. Sometimes you care a lot. Sometimes you don't even give a damn. Sometimes you cuddle me, sometimes you are as cold as ice. Sometimes I think of giving up being with you. But until now, we are still together.
Being with you makes me have to grow up, have to face things I don't want and have to solve problems by myself. I always seek for a perfect guy, who loves me, cares of me and listens to me well. And you are not even close to my perfect picture at all. You listens to me but when I turn to see your face, you are half sleep already. You've made me mad most of time by saying those neglected words. You've made me cry and have lots of sleepless nights. You laugh at me when my mouth slips out stupid words. You make fun of how I play game. You scold me when I'm crazy. You ignore me when I start being unreasonable. You care of me but you rarely call me just to say you miss me. You do love me but rarely you show it out. You are far from my imaginary.
But you are real.
Slowly you open the real world to me. Relationship is suck. It's not totally sweet. But that bitter sweet is just so amazing to taste.
It would be said if one day I have to forget all about this.
...
Lesson 1: Our money
I was afraid of telling you about my recent shopping trip. It was a relief when you didn't scold me. But then you began talking of the money. That freaked me out.
D: So the money you use to shopping is you money?
B: Er... Yes?
D: It's your money, not our money?
B: Yeah... I have part of my salary is our saving and I keep some to use for my own.
D: So only part of your salary is our money and rest is your money?
B: Yeah... So are you. You don't need to give me all of your salary, you can keep part of it for yourself as well.
D: But even my daily money is our money. I thought all the money we've made was our money, doesn't matter how much it was.
B:...
D: I don't say you can't go shopping or you can't keep money for daily use. I just want you to remember when we start living together, everything is ours. It makes me uncomfortable to hear my money, your money and our money.
B: I'm sorry, I don't mean that...
D: If you keep thinking it's your own money, you will use it carelessly.
B: But I have savings for emergency.
D: When it's emergency, will you use your daily money to solve the problem as well?
B: Yes...
...
Lesson 2: Drunk and awaiting
I don't like drunken. And I don't hope to see you get drunk.
B: You should stop smoking and drinking when we live together.
D: I will stop smoking when we plan to have a baby. But I'm allowed to drink.
B: I don't like you drinking.
D: You will have to live with it. Did we talk of it before? I don't like giving up my hobbies for anyone. I don't ask you to give up your own hobbies either.
B: But drinking isn't good for your health. I don't mean you can't drink at all. Just don't get drunk. I won't take care of you when you are drunk.
D: You will have to. You have to take care of me same as how your mom takes care of your dad when he's drunk.
B: I won't.
D: It's a wife's job.
...
Lesson 3: xxx
B: I don't like talking about it.
D: But you are adult now and it will happen in any relationship. It's good to discuss about it together.
B: But I don't feel comfortable.
D: You have to get used to it. Or else how we're gonna live together?
B: I know we will do it but why we have to talk about it like this.
D: If not talking then how we get to know what others like. Do you know sex is important for husband and wife relationship? Many get cheated just because they don't know what their partners like.
B:...
...
Lesson 4: Fb and msn
D: Don't use fb too often or at least don't reveal your private information too much.
B: Why?
D: fb sells your information to third parties. And police also uses it to trace after crimes. They also can change your information to trap you into troubles.
B: ...
D: Not like you don't know about it.
B: Ok... I won't mention of us on msn and fb.
D: Better stop sharing our stories in anyway.
B: ...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)