What Can I Do?

I thought I could stop following you. I thought I could stop caring about you. I thought I could walk away.
But I couldn't.

Walking beside silently and suddenly I felt weak.
The memories I had had with you, small, shattered and vanished.
I thought I could be one step closer but it was a step further.
And all of my braincells screamed out your name, your face, your voice...

I wanted to stand on my tiptoe to reach your cheek.

Now that your wonders had lifted.
Yet you had slipped away.

Could I be one time, telling you how I had been?

I tried to figure what date would be the best.
And I had missed more chances.

Because I was so scared to lose a 'friend'?
Like the last idle stage I could stay to keep wandering around you.

I had understood, it was even harder to sit next to you as before.
And I wished you could pay a little attention on me, you could come to me when  I stayed at work late.
And I wished you could ask if I needed a ride, you could come and pick me up.
And I wished you could ask if I wanted a drink, you could take me to somewhere we would be able to spend time together.
And I wished you accept my feelings, you could say you had felt the same way.

And... I just need a reason... to give up on you.

Cá Hồi

Cá Hồi sinh vào tháng 4, chính xác hơn là ngày Cá tháng Tư, vì thế mà tôi đã mạo muội sửa đổi tên anh thành một loài cá mà tôi rất ưa thích, ưa thích đúng như cái cảm giác mà tôi đang dành cho anh. Rất xa xỉ, và không thể thường xuyên thưởng thức.

Tôi đã vô tình cướp anh ra khỏi sự bình lặng của anh và cô em gái nhỏ vì sự bốc đồng ngu ngốc của mình. Tôi quan tâm quá mức và tự dưng anh với tôi có một mối quan hệ thật kỳ cục. Tôi cảm giác mình rất gần anh, đủ để có quyền quan tâm anh, để thi thoảng gửi cho anh những tin nhắn về đêm, để được quyền 'nhờ vả' anh. Và tôi không hề coi đó là một bí mật nhỏ bé của hai người. Chính từ đó mà sự hiểu lầm của anh và cô em gái nhỏ ngày càng lớn, và anh đã chỉ chia sẻ những câu chuyện với tôi, một cách thụ động.

Anh thường rất im lặng. Tôi lại rất ồn ào. Tình cảm tôi dành cho anh, cứ lớn dần, nặng dần và nó bùng nổ khiến cho tôi tức tưởi khóc một mình thật lâu. Anh hiểu, anh biết và anh không chấp nhận nó. Tôi là bạn, bạn tốt, rất tốt, thế thôi, để tôi tự mình thu xếp, gói ghém tình cảm của mình lại, dồn nén lại rồi chỉ dám nhìn anh từ xa.

Đối với tôi, anh thật rất dễ thương. Từ cái dáng lêu nghêu, cái giọng luôn đùa đùa thật thật, đến cặp mắt kiếng của anh, đều thật dễ thương. Tôi thích anh, trong lo sợ nhưng không hề giấu diếm. Một kiểu can đảm dại dột không thể vinh danh được. 

Thích một ai đó thật khổ sở.
Thích một ai đó không thích mình càng thật khổ sở.
Nhưng tôi không hối tiếc.

Cũng như cái ngày tôi say nắng người Nhật Bản lạc giữa Đài Loan một ngày tháng 7.
Cũng như cái ngày tôi say nắng những anh chàng Nhân Mã.
Cũng như cái ngày tôi nhận thấy nụ hôn trộm của tay trống trong ban nhạc Rock 5PM thật ngọt lịm.
Tôi không hối tiếc.

Điều tôi hối tiếc là chưa bao giờ tôi dám nói ra những suy nghĩ trong tôi. Tôi luôn tự an ủi, tự lừa dối mình bằng cách nào đó.

Ví dụ như, John rất hợp ý tôi, nhưng John lại là người nước ngoài; Tuấn Rảnh rất dễ thương nhưng tôi không thích bạn nhiều đến mức để đuổi theo bạn; Thái rất hiểu ý tôi nhưng hắn lại chỉ mê gái đẹp, anh chàng đánh trống thì lại đạo Chúa và anh, Cá Hồi thì lại không hề rõ ràng.

Thật ra thì rất rõ ràng đấy chứ. Anh không thích tôi như tôi đang thích anh, tôi không tỏ tình nên anh không thể từ chối. Tôi thì đâu có muốn anh từ chối mình.

Bình thường đi một tí, anh và tôi đều dễ chịu với nhau hơn. Té ra là nâng lên, đặt xuống cũng không hề khó. Tình cảm của tôi, giữ lại trong lòng, nghiềm ngẫm, rồi lại càng thấy rất trân trọng nó. Tôi lại càng thích anh hơn và lại càng biết mình cần im lặng hơn. Để đi bên anh, thật không dễ.

Tình cảm rất cần một điều gì đó thật kiên nhẫn, để đến một ngày dù kết quả không như mong muốn đều vẫn khiến cho người ta phải nâng niu và gìn giữ những mảng ký ức đẹp đẽ một cách ngu ngốc này.

Tôi hơi phiền lòng cái cách anh đang tự áp đặt mình khi nói về tôi. Anh cho rằng tôi hoạt bát, thông minh, nhanh nhẹn mà anh không nhận ra sự rụt rè, nhút nhát của tôi, sự yếu ớt của một con người không đủ tự tin khi đang mất đi một chỗ dựa tinh thần.

Chỉ biết nhờ thời gian, và mong đợi vào bản thân, sẽ một lần dũng khí.

Hãy cứ kiên nhẫn đi, vì ai biết sẽ ra sao...

On a souvent besoin d'un plus petit que soi...

So, in La Fontaine's fable "Le Lion et le Rat", they said so, everyone needs someone to look down on.

I was the kind that was always full of self. I often spoke before thinking carefully. I was full of regrets as well. Another problem of me was I was always one step behind. I had missed many chances to be with someone who loved me lots. I did not know and I was too busy to have fun. Then when I turned back to a person, he often left already. How sad it was.

People believed it or not, I was growing up still. I was not mature enough to be the one for anyone to trust in. If someone knew me for awhile, they would find me being childish and careless. My life was full of luck, that was why I rarely got jealous of anyone or put grudge on others. However, because of that, I denied to be an adult. I thought adult must be boring phrase of life.

But when I got to know him, everything had changed. Finally...

To him, I absolutely became an idiot. Surprisingly, I started thinking of him a lot, in such a serious way. I even planned to get married and I had already imagined how to behave well when I could officially be his wife. I must like him a lot back then. The weight of grown-up person was really heavy that I could not bare long. I started to drown in the relationship. I felt I stuck in there and I needed to run away like old times.

Several months for me to totally get over it. But it left such a scar in my heart and it damaged my pride.

To him, I must be a bad person who just wiped out his last hope in this country. I knew he could get up and start over but a person without the trust in life, would never fully be happy. I just took his happiness away cruelly. He started to blame me for everything and he said I treated him as a pet. It made me cry a lot. Because he denied all my cares and he left me no choice.

Love could never be itself when one held it too tight. Love was the last world for people to understand completely.

I wondered how he was sometimes. But I never tried to find him and forgive him since he insulted my parents and my family. The biggest mistake of him was to pull me away from my family.

Believe it or not (again), Sagittarius was still a sign of family. I might try to stay away from my family in order to reach my freedom. But, inside my heart, family was the last empire to defeat me. I would protect them with all efforts. Lovers would never do the same for me, only family could. This was one of the very basic for any guy who wanted to be with me.

On a souvent besoin d'un plus petit que soi...
Everyone needed someone to look down on. Like a Lion and a Rat, who would know one day that little small rat could save a life of that Lion... I was the Rat for him, how did he thank me back? By blaming me and my family. I hoped he would realize one day, life here was not easy and I was doing my best to help him.

...

This blog should not turn out this way...

The Salmon's story

It was just made-up story after all. Even his name was just made up.

One fine night, after we drank together, he became the main character of the story. Too many troubles came after it; however, I loved it until the end.

Salmon was just an ordinary guy who rather remained silent than talked as much as me. Salmon wore the glasses, which made him even more attractive. The tall shadow of him scared me sometimes and his voice bothered me even more.

We rarely talked after rumors spreading about us. Days by days, I had waited for him. Somehow I thought he deserved more than that. But I didn't dare to tell him more about me.
The day he held my shoulder on the street, it was so warm and that moment somehow lasted long in my heart. I finally found someone I could let myself trust in. Only problem was he didn't know that.

Salmon was always in bad luck of his career, which made him upset secretly. Salmon and his stories always caused the saddest song in my heart. And I wished I could share my luck with him. I wished to have another day he held my shoulder again...

People said, if you loved someone, you should not hesitate to express your affections or someone would take that person away before you knew. Somehow, I felt sorry that I did it to Salmon's puppy lover. And because of that, I could never admit how much I liked him.

The Salmon's story continued in such a painful way.

Maybe... when he found his lover, I would tell him that I used to love him as well.

When I look upon the stars, I will think of him for awhile..

How many 'him' have passed by? Suddenly I feel like a bus stop in my relationships. People keep being here, and being gone. Only different is I haven't sold any ticket.

I feel hurt inside a bit. And I feel a bit teary as well.

I looked for a song to listen tonight. "To the moon and back" from Savage Garden was an accident and I could only repeat it non-stop.

Until now I still cannot define the relationship between Salmon and me. Was it a bit alike love? Or was it just my wrong perception? I didn't like him that much. I just only knew, he was a good guy that I shouldn't miss. In the end, I have hurt both.

"All her hopes on the stars
What a pleasant dream..."
Sigh... Can I just have the last train and go on a journey with the right person? Sitting beside him must be really sweet. I want to smile at him and say "Hi, I thought I would be the only one taking this."

I wish for a crash and it should be enough to burn me into the flame. I cannot have my fierce heart any more. Cannot be the person who always pick up the phone and give you the call. Cannot be the person who have waited for your call hopelessly.

A year after that...

Accidentally I saw the pictures of Valentine's Day last year, all I could say were how pretty I looked in those. I couldn't say I was happy with who-had-gone that time because I wasn't happy.

Reading back what I had written about us was shameful. I couldn't continue that dreamy story. We broke up and I had moved on easily.

A girl like me could fall in and out of love easily. And when I fell in love, it became my priority and I automatically imagined of my ideal guy. Because of that, I felt disappointed after and all my feelings toward that person disappeared.

Lately I had fallen for another guy. When I recognized I liked him, it had been more than 9 months already. And it took me awhile to confess. Of course, he denied. I couldn't stop thinking of the reason why then I realized that I was too hurry and I was too late as well. Actually, he had given me many chances and I refused to take it as my heart wasn't with him that time. I didn't want but still felt regretful. And the day when I got too angry, I started a very moody conversation with him. This caused him to stay away from me right before the Valentine's Day. I could only say, we didn't mean to be together. Another thing made me regret of this was I had lost two of the persons I could trust at my workplace. Somehow I hurt that sweet girl as well when I stepped into the trap. I am sorry.

I'm not even sure when I can get over this. But this one-way feeling is the best I can do right now. In my eyes, he is still a guy who deserves someone better, like that sweet girl. All I can do is hoping, my fault will become another chance for them to start talking again. And hopefully, they will be back together? That seems to be the only way to get me over him.

Sagittarius girl, so silly and so immature. It is February already, and how my future-husband can find me to put me into the next stage of the life?

Valentine's Day this year, became even bitter than last year.
So sad...