An O.P.I girl

Spent whole salary in O.P.I. Ppl will say what a waste. But for an O.P.I girl, she feels pretty and pleased. Such a joyful happiness as much as she's reaching a dream.
Don't judge ppl just because they love something/someone too much. They are crazy indeed. But love is boring if there is no fierce of craziness.
I've learned it from girls out there. Ppl say they are insanely stupid when they are passionate with lives. But I wish you all girls would be that stupid.
If you love something/someone, go for it and be ready to show the whole world how much faithful you are with your belief.
To me, he is like an O.P.I bottle. I must have him and store him in my own heart. I must look at him everyday and wish to have him on me every day and night. What so bad if I'm also an O.P.I girl?

Venus and Mars

B: honey, is it too early for u to leave ur country?

D: yeah too early

D: why?

B: it just seems like u need more time there

D: dunno

D: i didnt have much time to prepare for moving

D: but i think it will be a rush

D: my work contract ends in Dec

D: then i will tell them i dont want to renew

D: i will stop at hong kong for some time before i go to vn

B: for how long?

D: maybe 1 week

D: depends how long my family can accomodate my stay

B: i see

D: did you turn crazy lately

B: yeah a bit

D: honey all girls are crazy right

B: i dont know

B: isnt that guys r also crazy

D: only vn guys i think

B: u r crazy too

B: im only afraid that u wont be happy with me

B: i cant stay with u right away

D: i know

D: i'm not a girl i dont need someone with me all the time

B: are you sure about being with me?

D: i dont know, have to go there and see

D: what do you think

B: i dont know

B: right now i just miss you badly

D: that's good, if you dont miss me then maybe we cant be together

B: do you miss me?

D: ya but i'm just less crazy then you

B: -.-

B: im not crazy

D: i dont let it interfere with my work and daily life as much as you

If you want to trust in someone, trust in me...

Being together for this long, and being suffered from distant relationship...

I've learned that if you had no one to trust in at work, if you found out your friends didn't speak the same language with you, if your family couldn't accept your recent behaviors, lean on your man silently.

He might not the sweetest man to speak words you are desperate to hear but he would be the one you make you feel full of life.

Been through of different relationship with different kinds of person. I just realize, it's just not hard but super extremely hard to find your half. The more I've spent time with him, the more I feel secured and loved.

Just 5 more months and I will be proudly announced as w i f e ^.^

I want to trust in you.
And I know I can trust in you.
:)

Today is my day

People aren't always good, or bad. But in certain circumstances, I can't see that fact well. Especially, their continuous behaviors cause such a chain in my brain.
I'm not sure if I'm allowed to say she's a friend. We hang out a lot since I'm alone here. Well, she leaves me by myself lots also. It's normal I know. But it isn't if that person calls you a good friend, or close friend. She borrows money to buy stuffs and hardly pays back in time when I'm short of money. She goes with other guys under my name. I don't want to spread rumors of her. But I can't hide my feelings either. Sometimes I just can't stand her. Typical Scorpion.

Another story for my living away from home, my roommates.
5 people in a room. 2 of them are super lazy. Never clean the room. Never. And also, when they start washing their clothes, no one else can do that. That's really annoying since we all have dirty clothes. It's summertime here, so every of us feels sweaty. And I don't even want to mention of dishes... the table is dirty everyday and they keep using my dishes as well.
Other 2 are ok to me. They don't like me sometimes but most of time, we are ok together.

Last night I got sick and the person who called me close friend, still went out with a guy when other 2 in my room, they ordered foods in house for me. I'm appreciated that a lot. They always say I don't need to do the housework all the time. But actually, I do it, not just for me, but also for them. Because I care of them also.

My most happy time of a day, so far, is when mom, Nicky and D call me. They keep me strong and study hard until I can be home. I really miss them a lot.

Living away from home teaches me lots of thing. How to deal with guys, how to blend it with others, how to appreciate family, love and true friends.

Fucking life here makes me believe in me more. And I know that, when I'm back to my department, I will run for the next promotion. Never ever I think of helping that girl again. Dad is right about people I work with. Can't never completely trust in anyone.

Life here is what I've missed

Life.
Since day 1 to day n of life.
I was always, most likely always, with my parents.
27 years of life.
And I still want to be with them.
I know I'm not really an adult like others.
I'm simply aging years by years.
That's why it's not so easy for me to live in a place where water isn't clean enough to be used wildly.
Never water costs me this much to use. It becomes daily cost.
Most of money spent (if not for those. . . persons) goes to water (and taxi).
And ... it's the nightmare for me when I'm having monthly pink days. LOL
I'm not complaining but it's a fact I'm facing for at least 3 months.

The limits of accessing in internet is another problem I have to stand.
Normally, it won't be a big problem to me. But it's different now since ..
Once again, I have a distant love.
Wonder why I always get stuck here and there in my relationship.

Mom is worried all the time. And she's spent lots of money to visit me. I wish I can tell her not to... It's a waste of money... My family condition isn't that rich to visit me that often.
I'm taking care of myself at the moment and I hope they can temporarily forget that I'm not 100% adult.

Just, a bit difficulties and some amount of time should be given to me, apart from family to learn all the basics of life. I've been over-cared and like Rio, I still don't know how to fly with my own wings.

Freedom is ahead and yet, I can't reach it by myself.







Sigh... wonder why he can love a girl like me.
...

Foods here are not so bad. Not delicious at all but yeah, I can swallow.

Your heart is my sweetest home

I'll be away for 3 months, starting tomorrow.
And besides, family, my heart keeps rumbling for being away from you.
I guess it's how things should be for two persons being in love.

A year distant from each other but we've got to talk everyday. However, this 3 months will be different since we can't get to talk much. Just think of it and I wish 3 months would last as 3 seconds only.

I'll be good. Focusing in studying.
I'll be missing how we were together happily.
Soon... I'll be home.

And soon, we will meet again.

3 months will fly by fast.
And December will get to my window soon.

And we will be together.
Forever.

I didn't sleep until 5

night is so long when we can't fall asleep
last night was one of those

talking to you wasn't a perfect choice to chill a night, especially when you whispering to me how you wanted to see me again in person. everyday i has to fight with myself. i dont dare to say how much i want to be together. but i was broken down last night. being apart is so painful.

but being together, in another hand, is scaring me.

i made a bad choice when watching that movie. and i had such a nightmare after.

what if one day you cheated on me?
i know i wouldnt be able to forgive you. but being apart again, i wouldnt be able to do that either. living a life with your loved one and seeing yourself broken down day by day piece in piece, even worse.

i guess marriage isn't for me. or at least, im not ready for it right now.
every time you bring up that topic, i feel so threatened.

what if i cant be your good wife?
would you come after another one? would you bring her home when i was working? would you hide your scandal or you wouldnt care anymore? would you ask me for forgiveness?
what if i get disappointed of you?
would i think of another guy and secretly having my affair? would i tell you? would i just run away?
what if i want to have a baby badly but you simply dont?
would i do anyway just to have a baby?
but how to raise a kid properly?

i had a crazy dream, a nightmare to our relationship
...

Alley back to home

I have to admit some facts:
- I'm not the right one for this position in the government.
- I'm not a kind of perfect girlfriend/wife/mother.
- I'm not good at using scissors/knives in anyway.
I'm glad that you know all my weaknesses. And still you are with me even you laugh at me a lot.

I don't want to run away anymore.

Let me be your hero

Aging makes people change, either in good or bad way.

My point of view about love, relationship and marriage has been so different from mine some years ago. I don't really remember much but I can recall, in some point of time, I thought love would be something ridiculous and it must be fulfilled of lies to remain. In another way to say, I would think there was not such a thing called love since people kept cheating and lying to their partners. I used to think, maybe I would need sex, but I wouldn't want marriage. Then, another time, I started to believe, love is just a game of two. But either there was love or not, marriage would exclude all those feelings and left you in responsibilities of being wife/husband/daughter-in-law/parents/etc. Meaning there was no time for romance and it would end the love anyway. After all the thoughts, I stopped thinking of marriage for awhile. It scared me. I got lost in reasons why people had to get married. When my ex asked me to marry him, the first respond from me was, SH*T. I didn't want it and I wasn't ready for it. I didn't want a role of a wife. Cooking, cleaning house, taking care of children, ironing. whatever. I didn't want to do it for anyone.

Then it all changed.

In such a crazy progress.

Full of tears.

Being broken down.

Disappointed.

Happened in a row.

To make me realize, how wonderful to have someone to fight, argue, miss and love.

April's Fool

Recently we have talked of the future. Not sure when we can actually live together but so far, it sounds real for me. Having an actual life is quite scary for me.

I'm used to being a powerful empress with high position at work and having maids at home. 27 years of my life has been like that. I'm a bitch with uncertain self-esteem, who doesn't care of straight words and direct talks. I'm used to pointing my figure to solve my problems instead of solving then myself. For 27 years of my life, I've been hearing people listing down my bad but none of them really wants to deal with it by the rest of their lives.

Being with you is quite different. Sometimes you care a lot. Sometimes you don't even give a damn. Sometimes you cuddle me, sometimes you are as cold as ice. Sometimes I think of giving up being with you. But until now, we are still together.

Being with you makes me have to grow up, have to face things I don't want and have to solve problems by myself. I always seek for a perfect guy, who loves me, cares of me and listens to me well. And you are not even close to my perfect picture at all. You listens to me but when I turn to see your face, you are half sleep already. You've made me mad most of time by saying those neglected words. You've made me cry and have lots of sleepless nights. You laugh at me when my mouth slips out stupid words. You make fun of how I play game. You scold me when I'm crazy. You ignore me when I start being unreasonable. You care of me but you rarely call me just to say you miss me. You do love me but rarely you show it out. You are far from my imaginary.

But you are real.

Slowly you open the real world to me. Relationship is suck. It's not totally sweet. But that bitter sweet is just so amazing to taste.

It would be said if one day I have to forget all about this.

...

Lesson 1: Our money
I was afraid of telling you about my recent shopping trip. It was a relief when you didn't scold me. But then you began talking of the money. That freaked me out.
D: So the money you use to shopping is you money?
B: Er... Yes?
D: It's your money, not our money?
B: Yeah... I have part of my salary is our saving and I keep some to use for my own.
D: So only part of your salary is our money and rest is your money?
B: Yeah... So are you. You don't need to give me all of your salary, you can keep part of it for yourself as well.
D: But even my daily money is our money. I thought all the money we've made was our money, doesn't matter how much it was.
B:...
D: I don't say you can't go shopping or you can't keep money for daily use. I just want you to remember when we start living together, everything is ours. It makes me uncomfortable to hear my money, your money and our money.
B: I'm sorry, I don't mean that...
D: If you keep thinking it's your own money, you will use it carelessly.
B: But I have savings for emergency.
D: When it's emergency, will you use your daily money to solve the problem as well?
B: Yes...

...
Lesson 2: Drunk and awaiting
I don't like drunken. And I don't hope to see you get drunk.
B: You should stop smoking and drinking when we live together.
D: I will stop smoking when we plan to have a baby. But I'm allowed to drink.
B: I don't like you drinking.
D: You will have to live with it. Did we talk of it before? I don't like giving up my hobbies for anyone. I don't ask you to give up your own hobbies either.
B: But drinking isn't good for your health. I don't mean you can't drink at all. Just don't get drunk. I won't take care of you when you are drunk.
D: You will have to. You have to take care of me same as how your mom takes care of your dad when he's drunk.
B: I won't.
D: It's a wife's job.

...
Lesson 3: xxx
B: I don't like talking about it.
D: But you are adult now and it will happen in any relationship. It's good to discuss about it together.
B: But I don't feel comfortable.
D: You have to get used to it. Or else how we're gonna live together?
B: I know we will do it but why we have to talk about it like this.
D: If not talking then how we get to know what others like. Do you know sex is important for husband and wife relationship? Many get cheated just because they don't know what their partners like.
B:...

...
Lesson 4: Fb and msn
D: Don't use fb too often or at least don't reveal your private information too much.
B: Why?
D: fb sells your information to third parties. And police also uses it to trace after crimes. They also can change your information to trap you into troubles.
B: ...
D: Not like you don't know about it.
B: Ok... I won't mention of us on msn and fb.
D: Better stop sharing our stories in anyway.
B: ...

Bet you have it too.

For some days in a row, they all have been talking of the scandal -the leaking of xxx self-recorded video of 2 young students. 80% of them said that, "if don't want to be the target of xxx scandal then it's better not to do it in the first place." Well, it's true. But it happened and isn't it better if it could be forgotten?

For me, it doesn't matter if they take pictures or not. The problem is, people are too curious and they pay too much attention on those scandals. It's very easy for them to say, NOT to record video or to take picture of nudity or making love. LOL! I bet even the writer of that article at least one time take those pictures of herself. Words. All nonsense. It's just very cheap way to get more page views.

That topic is a very sensitive one that I prefer people better respecting self's choice.

I feel bad for girls since they always have to stand a lot of negative comments from others.

/sigh

Is that alright to you? Well, I don't really care...

I know I have to write something. Because I feel the burden shit is fuckingly not moving at all on my heart. There is one big question is every relationship I've ever had. And that question still hasn't found its answer.
"Is this person my Mr. Right?"
They say love comes naturally. It does. But after that, you will have to force yourself doing tons of things you don't want to. At first, when the chemistry still strongly affects your mind, you don't feel 'forcing' at all. BUT! But when you suddenly realize, your partner hasn't changed anything for you at all from the beginning. Everything you have been doing now turns into ashes.

I'm regretting at the moment. I regret for being too nice. I regret that I have never asked my partner to do any special action to show off his love. I regret that I have never seriously told him how much annoying he is when he forces me doing stuffs I don't want.
Because, finally he said, he is sick of me.
That's very sad.

I've started mumbling in my mind for 2 days. Mostly, I repeat his words. Rest of time, I think of having a great time for myself. Traveling, studying or whatever. Anything that I can enjoy without thinking of him or how badly he hurting me.

This cannot go further. Almost every week we argue. Almost every conversation I feel forced. And for 2 years, almost means 23 months of 2 years.

That's the bad thing about me. When relationship is at down turn. I tend to give up and mess it with all intentions. I want to destroy it rather than to heal it and pray for myself with a hope of change.
The fact is, you can't change a guy. If you can't deal with him from the beginning, it is simply said, you can't never deal with him.

I've stopped asking myself if I love him, but questioning myself,
"Do I know how to love myself properly?"
I can't let a guy hurt me anymore.
Some says,
"You know it's love when the person hurts you is the only one who can heal your pain."
That's very typically 'romantic' but it's not what I believe in.
No one can ease your pain better than yourself. So, instead of loving someone, learn to love yourself first.

I believe I have to lose something in gaining something else.
But I forget, there is a chance to lose all as well. It's just too late to remember.

No excuse this time.

03/03/2011

12:01:39 PM - You need to stop broadcasting your comments to the whole world on msn. I'm sick it now.
12:02:22 PM - I'm also sick of having revna tell me you're looking for me and that you're giving me time off....
12:02:29 PM - it's not like it's time off, i just want to sleep more
12:02:50 PM - you think you can be comfortable with a couple hours of sleep EVERYDAY?
12:03:14 PM - stop telling other people about us
12:03:28 PM - how did you feel when DN started telling everybody
12:03:34 PM - well that's how i feel now, so please stop it

Remember me?

This has been for awhile she has this thoughts, as if her boyfriend remembers all the stories of hers. Hard to believe there is a guy who can actually listen and memorize all nonsenses. But he does.

That makes she become completely guilty.

A day before, she was complaining of the grandpa and the maids. Her boyfriend suddenly cut off the story by saying, "You complain too much." It really paused the conversation for a second or more. Then he continued, "You just pay too much attention in those small issues and forget that there are many others don't even have time for life. No one is the world supposed to be happy everyday. Think about me, I don't even sleep enough. I only sleep 4 hours per day maximum. Do you even think about it instead of complaining non stop of the maids?"

He was right.

But again, everything has its own reasons. He chose to stay awake to spend more time with her. And that fact just simply makes it worse for her. Everything he has been doing is to be with her. After awhile, she just forget it as how she never remembers anything.

Suddenly she realizes, life has never been better or worse since she has existed on this Earth. Only she sweats the small stuffs to make it look worse. Comparing to his life, hers completely has been million times better. She lives in her own house with family, she has stable job, she has a group of friends to meet up whenever she wants and she goes shopping often. Not everyone can have a life comfortably like that.

How about his life?

He has to take care of his mom and a sister. There are not many people called as his close friends and he hardly meets up with them, even for a drink. He stays in rental underground small room which can hear the next doors easily. His job requires him on call often and he always has to work late at night. One more important fact, his girlfriend is someone living half way around the Earth.

That really reminds her a lot. Especially, it reminds her about her man and the reason why he isn't so romantic sometimes. She rarely hears him complaining about anything more than one or two sentences. At the time he can go home, he is exhausted already and his very last energy of the day is used up as he tries talking to her for an hour or so. There is no time left to complain until he has to go to work again. Another reason is, when he's home, he leaves all his unhappiness outside the door and spends the rest of time having fun with her (even it is not that fun at all).

The man she has chosen is good in heart, being honest and always appreciates what he has. That's the man of the family, who will shelter her for the rest of her life. Even the way he takes care of her sometimes isn't the way she wants him to, but it all comes from love. He lets her enjoy the life as much as he can. No other guy in this world would care that much of her. That's all she should remember.