I didn't sleep until 5

night is so long when we can't fall asleep
last night was one of those

talking to you wasn't a perfect choice to chill a night, especially when you whispering to me how you wanted to see me again in person. everyday i has to fight with myself. i dont dare to say how much i want to be together. but i was broken down last night. being apart is so painful.

but being together, in another hand, is scaring me.

i made a bad choice when watching that movie. and i had such a nightmare after.

what if one day you cheated on me?
i know i wouldnt be able to forgive you. but being apart again, i wouldnt be able to do that either. living a life with your loved one and seeing yourself broken down day by day piece in piece, even worse.

i guess marriage isn't for me. or at least, im not ready for it right now.
every time you bring up that topic, i feel so threatened.

what if i cant be your good wife?
would you come after another one? would you bring her home when i was working? would you hide your scandal or you wouldnt care anymore? would you ask me for forgiveness?
what if i get disappointed of you?
would i think of another guy and secretly having my affair? would i tell you? would i just run away?
what if i want to have a baby badly but you simply dont?
would i do anyway just to have a baby?
but how to raise a kid properly?

i had a crazy dream, a nightmare to our relationship
...